Wednesday, April 6, 2011

South of the Border, West of the Sun

You take either all of me or nothing.

There are certain things you cant undo.

Anyhow, I didn't give up is that I thought if you were to come back to me, I would be able to take you back.

Maybe you will hurt me again. Or maybe next time, I'll hurt you. No one can promise anything.

Neither of us can make any promises. But I still do love you.

Death is not the opposite but a part of life.

He lived in his own special hell.

“At this hour?” she said, surprised. “Why do you have to go all the way to Hakone at this hour?”

“There’s something I need to think over,” I said.

“So you won’t be back tonight?”

“Probably not.”

“Darling, I’ve been thinking over what happened, and I’m really sorry. You were right. I got rid of all the stock. So why don’t you come home?”

“Yukiko, I’m not angry at you. Not at all. Forget about that I just want some time to think. Give me one night, OK?”

She said nothing for a while. Then: “All right.” She sounded exhausted. “Go to Hakone. But be careful driving. It’s raining.”

“I will.”

“There’s so much I don’t understand,” my wife said. “Tell me one thing: am I in your way?”

“Not at all,” I replied. “It has nothing to do with you. If anything, the problem’s with me. So don’t worry about it, OK? I just want some time to think.”

“Hajime,” she began, “this is very important, so listen carefully. As I told you before, there is no middle ground with me. You take either all of me or nothing. That’s the way it works. If you don’t mind continuing the way we are now, I don’t see why we can’t do that. I don’t know how long we’d be able to, but I’ll do everything in my power to see that it happens. When I’m able to come and see you, I will. But when I can’t , I can’t. I can’t just come whenever I feel like it. You may not be satisfied with that arrangement, but if you don’t want me to go away again, you have to take all of me. Everything. All the baggage I carry, everything that clings to me. And I will take all of you. Do you understand that? Do you understand what that means?”
“I’m not blaming you,” she continued. “If you love someone else, there’s not much anyone can do about it. You love who you love. I’m not enough for you. I know that. We’ve got on well together and you’ve taken good care of me. I’ve been very happy living with you. I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” [Yukiko]

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“There’s no need to apologize,” she said. “If you want to leave me, that’s OK. I won’t say a thing. Do you want to leave me?”

“I don’t know,” I replied. “Can I explain what’s happened?”

“You mean about you and that woman?”

“Yes,” I said.

She shook her head emphatically. “I don’t want to hear anything about her. Don’t make me suffer any more that I already have. I don’t care what kind of relationship the two of you have or what plans you’ve made. I don’t want to hear about it. What I do want to know is whether or not you want to leave me. I don’t need the house, or money – or anything. If you want the children, take them. I’m serious. If you want to leave me, just say the word. That’s all I want to know. I don’t want to hear anything else. Just yes or no.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“You mean you don’t know if you want to leave me or not?”

“No. I don’t know if I’m even capable of giving you an answer.”

“When will you know?”

I shook my head.

“Well, then, take your time and think about it.” She sighed. I don’t mind waiting. Take as long as you like.”

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